I Hate Stephen Colbert

Dear Citizens,

Though the wonderful drought of new episodes of The Colbert Report came to an end on Monday, the shows, without the normal crew of writers, has returned in a weakend state. It feels hard and unfiltered. Thus, without his brain trust to aide his weekly tirades, Stephen Colbert has had to turn to old clips, uninteresting guests and his idiotic improvisational skills to keep him afloat. His strong-headedness to continue on with the series in spite of the writers' strike may prove disastrous.

Luckily for Mr. Colbert, as well as Mr. Stewart on The Daily Show, the start of the 2008 year and its election news, especially the two recent Iowa and New Hampshire primaries, will generate enough content that even without the guild-approved scripts, they will be able to make enough noise to fill their 30-minute time slots.

Throughout this week Mr. Colbert has peppered his shows with references to "friend of the show" and presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee. I have to say, any friend of Stephen Colbert's is no friend of mine. Mr. Huckabee can be assured that the "Colbert Bump" will work to his disadvantage. Though I know little about his stance or his character, the mere fact that he turns to a man such as Stephen Colbert to give him an edge in the polls is enough for me to scratch him off of my list.

Mr. Colbert did finally manage to bring on a guest of interest at the end of the week. Though Mr. Colbert did his best to insult and attack him, Muhammad Yunus kept his spirits high with a boisterous chuckle that seemed to shield him from Mr. Colbert's slings and arrows.

Until the strike ends and his show manages to come back to full strength, my own quest to have The Colbert Report taken off the air will be bolstered by the show itself, thanks to its disappointing monologues and lackluster features. Mediocrity will not sustain a show such as this, and with any luck The Colbert Report will be yanked from the network before the picket lines disappear.

Sincerely,

A Concerned American

Dear Citizens,

As I sit here basking in the warmth emanating from the fireplace on this chilly Sunday after Thanksgiving, I think back on the past few days. A delicious dinner, complete with turkey, hamburger dressing, cranberry sauce, was shared among four generations of our family. A glorious football victory over a longtime and deeply-hated archrival was enjoyed by all. For all of these, I am thankful. Perhaps want conjures the most gratitude has been the end, temporary it may be, of new episodes of The Colbert Report. With the writers' strike four weeks on, Mr. Colbert's daily dose of dystopia has come to a halt. The hiatus of the show has brought a smile to my face and a golden gild to this website. While I realize that ihatestephencolbert.com had no direct effect on the striking of the writers, the show has nevertheless been shunted into rerun hell.

During these four weeks, Mr. Colbert has been unable to undo the seamwork of America. He has not gratuitously promoted Doritos - an unhealthy, 140-calories-per-ounce, corn-based snack high in salt and monosodium glutamate - to the thanks of doctors and nutritionists. He has not promoted his presidential campaign, to the thanks of other serious contenders of presidential candidacy in South Carolina. He has not promoted the destruction of bears, to the thanks of wildlife enthusiasts. He has not stricken panic with his Threat Down, waxed philosophic with his Word, lambasted his unsuspecting guests or miseducated with his Better Know a District.

For all this and more, I am thankful.

Sincerely,

A Concerned American

Dear Citizens,

My worst fears have been confirmed. On Monday, October 16, 2007, Stephen Colbert announced on The Colbert Report that he would be running for president. This egomaniacal sycophant has vaulted himself into a presidential bid.

If this is a joke, then it is one in bad taste. Running for president is a serious event that has long-lasting ramifications. Mr. Colbert throwing his hat into the ring might entice other late-night talk show hosts into campaigning for office, which cheapens the entire system that has been built on years of pride and honor and at the cost of the lives of soldiers.

If Mr. Colbert is serious about running for president, then this presents an even larger problem. Even though I'm sure he realizes he has an outside shot, the fact that he would consider such a nomination is proof positive that his personality is not anchored in a reality the rest of us want to reside in.

Either way, Mr. Colbert has leapt from the confines of The Colbert Report into the national media. Immediately following his announcement, major news networks, websites, and bloggers echoed his proclamation, followed by their shares of praise or disdain.

There are several reasons as to why Mr. Colbert should not run for President. First, he has no prior political experience. He has been an actor for all of his life. Though past political figures such as Reagan and Swarchenegger have entered the governmental limelight, Mr. Colbert has absolutely no experience. His only motive for his political aspirations seems to be for a publicity stunt.

Second, from watching The Colbert Report, you can know that his political beliefs are skewed and fantastical. What would happen should his personal agenda be made manifest? His longtime hatred for bears would result in a cutback of funding to wildlife preservations. His recent rant against hybrids would mean a subsidy to the gas-guzzling vehicles produced in Detroit. His close ties to Comedy Central, a subsidiary of Viacom, would mean changes in store for the as-of-late strict FCC. Such close ties do not bode well for advocates of relaxed intellectual property laws, as Viacom has been sure to monitor YouTube and other video websites for illegally-posted clips from their shows. And the way he treats the guests on his show does not lead me to believe that his foreign policy would be amicable or warm.

The future of this great country rests on a knife's edge. The next four years could steer the course of this country onward to prosperity or haphazardly to dystopia. While in my opinion none of the other candidates have really shone in the spotlight yet, Mr. Colbert is least deserving to have a chance at the role of president. However, as a democratic republic,it is not up to me, but to the masses, that the decision is made. Though only running in the South Carolina primary, many fans/followers of Mr. Colbert have been sure to encourage writing in his name as a candidate in states outside of South Carolina. Already on Facebook, a new group called Stephen Colbert: 1,000,000 Strong, (imitating the similar Hilary Clinton and Barak Obama groups) is already at 100,00 after just a few days. Stephen Colbert seems to have capitalized upon the mob mentality surrounding himself and his show and the whipped up fervor concerning the state of the nation and its president. In any form or fashion, Stephen Colbert should not run for president.

Sincerely,

A Concerned American

Dear Citizens,

It has come to my attention that while the brash and brazen acts of the Mr. Colbert's The Colbert Report do severe harm, other stealth attacks heretofore gone unnoticed are irreparably damaging the fabric of American society. I can no longer let these dangers disrupt my quietude. American English, the main (but not official) language of the United States of America (the same United States of America Mr. Colbert proclaims to cherish) is constantly under barrage from slang, ignorance and mumbling. Now, it also has to fend off The Colbert Report.

American English's myriad list of assailants include the deep South, Valley Girls, music videos, British English and foreign languages. The French language does not allow any perversion, keeping its purity intact. Spanish, on the other hand, allows so much infiltration from foreign substances that its derivation has its own name: Spanglish. We do not want to allow English to devolve into a conflicted, random mess of words and phrases combining all the different languages and cultures.

On a daily basis, American English grammar is increasingly used incorrectly, and since more and more people mis-speak, it is just accepted, rather than corrected. Split infinitives and dangling participles are just some of the threats we have to respond to.

Fake words are also a problem. Be aware that The Colbert Report is doing its own part to usurp the correct standards by coining imaginary vocabulary such as truthiness and wikiality. Irregardless of the intent of these fake words as a running joke or a throwaway gag, use of these spreads and infiltrates everyday speech. Their introduction is even done subliminally at the beginning of the show, where words flow in the background of Mr. Colbert posing and flag-waving.

One fake word that has stood above the rest is truthiness. This idolatrous term, which is often utilized to describe the show, has become eponymous with The Colbert Report and Stephen Colbert himself. Worse, Mr. Colbert uses truthiness to defend those who often circumvent facts. This word has even been used to describe President Bush and the war in Iraq. Truthiness is not just a (fake) word, but the embodiment of an entire concept.

Well Mr. Colbert, I would like to introduce you to a new phrase which you might want to use on your show: common sense. Use your vaunted intellect and undue influence to spread truth, not truthiness, and to honor the American English language, not vilify it.

Sincerely,

A Concerned American

Dear Citizens,

Stephen Colbert's latest invective goes too far. On a recent segment of The Colbert Report Threat Down, he unabashedly listed hybrids as number four, due to their quiet ride when using electric only. A recent report from the National Federation of the Blind detailed the potential danger a silent car, such as a hybrid in electric-only mode, could pose to the blind. Mr. Colbert stated that hybrid drivers are intentionally hitting the blind so that they can be used for fuel in the hybrids. Joke or not, this rant on hybrids hinders progress being made by both science and environmentalism in the marriage of the electric motor to the gasoline engine. General Motors, a great American car company that made the EV-1, the first electric vehicle, solved this problem by putting speakers that made a "car-like noise" on the vehicle, thus alerting both the blind and any other inattentive pedestrians that normally rely on audio cues to alert themselves to the presence of moving vehicles.

Even more alarming is the fact that Mr. Colbert overlooked the fact that hybrids only switch to quiet mode when traveling slowly. Therefore, should a pedestrian errantly step in front of a silently moving vehicle, plenty of time would be available to apply the brake and avoid the collision. This, however, is consistent with Mr. Colbert's habit of overlooking facts and instead relying on his self-coined "truthiness".

Also important to keep in mind is that the blind, as all pedestrians, should follow the law and use designated crosswalks. This would greatly minimize the risk of being hit by a quiet electric vehicle. Nevertheless, the Threat Down ranking sent tongues wagging. Already, numerous message boards lit up across the web with claims from one message board poster for "immediate legislation" and claims from another for getting "the federal government" to require noise-makers and "get Social Security or [Medicaid]" to pay for hearing devices. All of this, suggests the message board poster, would of course be funded with new taxes.

Also disturbing is the fact that this danger is also being claimed for the inattentive pedestrian. This is the same exact sort of mentality that puts needless warning labels to protect the dumbest consumers. For example, take the warning labels on coffee, alerting the consumer that it is hot, or on sunshades for windshields that it should not be in use while driving. Let the citizen beware, and if he should fall victim to his own ignorance and stupidity, then so be it.

Basically, Mr. Colbert's fear-mongering sounds much like the wild claims in the days of the dawn of the "horseless carriage". Are we as a society going to progress and embrace what the newest technologies have to offer, or are we going to repeat our mistakes of fearing the unknown with irrational and illogical superstitions and mumbo jumbo?

Sincerely,

A Concerned American

Dear Citizens,

The Colbert Report has recently returned from its short break, and it appears that Mr. Colbert is now free from the cast which so loudly adorned his wrist. Personally, I am glad to see that his wrist has healed, as this could indicate a chance that The Colbert Report might move on from Mr. Colbert's woes of a show stunt gone wrong to more pressing cultural, economical and political issues. For example, the upcoming election, in which the telebroadcasting media (for good or bad) plays a key role; or the seemingly indomitable threat of global warming would be prime candidates for discussion.

Perhaps Mr. Colbert's time in convalescence has changed his perspective - but probably not. His antics during his injury debacle - drug addiction as a comedic device, creation of red wristbands, and exhibition of violence against wrists in movies and television - attest that instead of nursing his wound, he simply took advantage of his cast to draw more attention to himself and to his own motives. The red wristbands are a prime example of Mr. Colbert's inability to think about someone other than himself.

Lance Armstrong, an American cyclist who overcame brain, lung and testicular cancer and won the Tour de France seven consecutive times, first created the yellow "Livestrong" wristbands. These wristbands raised both funds and awareness in the battle against cancer. Mr. Colbert's red "Wriststrong" wristbands only disparage the success that the Livestrong wristbands have wroght. Livestrong wristbands support such a great cause and do so with such bravado. If only Mr. Colbert could rally such vociferous promotion behind a similarly worthy cause. Once again, The Colbert Report squanders its connections to millions of Americans by promoting the sale of Wriststrong bracelets that only raise awareness of The Colbert Report. One more time, great potential is wasted for the sake of a running gag.

Sincerely,

A Concerned American

Dear Citizens,

Stephen Colbert continues to discredit America and its cherished history. In a recent episode, Mr. Colbert labeled many former presidents as cowards. The guest for the episode, Michael Beschloss, authored the book Presidential Courage. Mr. Colbert basically spent the length of the segment bashing the book and undermining the author's premise. Mr. Beschloss's extensive research was trashed eight minutes on cable television in front of a national audience of millions. Mr. Colbert called George Washington a coward, but then said that George W. Bush was already suitable to be called "courageous". Mr. Beschloss wisely responded that a president's courage could not be determined until much time had passed after his (or her) presidency. Hindsight is key in this area, yet Mr. Colbert's shortsightedness (here, his stage glasses seem too appropriate) keeps him from forming the full conclusion. Myopic vision allows for little tolerance of others or their respective views. Hocking such a self-centered paradigm to the masses can only hope to marginalize efforts by others to bring diversity and unity. Such harmony is essential both to further success in this nation and to foster global accord.

I am thoroughly vexed as to why guests continue to agree to appear on his show. The saying goes, "There's no such thing as bad publicity." In this instance, however, NO publicity is better than THIS publicity. Lou Dobbs, George Lucas, Deepak Chopra, Al Franken, Ralph Nader, Jesse Jackson, Madeline Albright, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Tony Hawk, Joe Quesada, Toby Keith, James Carville, Al Sharpton, Mark Cuban - those are just some of the actors, politicians, authors and scientists that validated Mr. Colbert's show by appearing on it. Mr. Colbert should instead be vilified. A boycott of his show by guests would show strength and resolution against the pollution that The Colbert Report spews forth on a daily basis.

I think The Colbert Report segment Tek Jansen might offer the best insight into the true nature of Mr. Colbert. Weak illustration, poor voice-acting and ridiculous story-telling combine for an unwatchable, over-the-top five minutes of B-movie graphic novel filth between loud commercials targeted at those who witness Mr. Colbert's thirty-minute tirade.

I hold fast to my plea that Mr. Colbert's television program be banned. The continued denigration of our nation's core values is disastrous not only for America and but also for the entire world. I express no opinion either way regarding recent international actions, but these actions have nevetherheless put America's position in the world stage in peril. The Colbert Report manages only to conflagrate such opposition, both domestically and abroad. I implore you to show your own presidential courage in the face of the craven Mr. Colbert.

Sincerely,

A Concerned American

Dear Citizens,

It is my objective opinion that Stephen Colbert and his Comedy Central show The Colbert Report are hurting America, the very same America Mr. Colbert vociferously and repeatedly claims to love and cherish. I believe it is imperative that he be banned from basic cable and the Internets. At a time when the world is in dire need of cooperation and innovation, his antagonistic personality does little to foster such efforts.

On his show, Mr. Colbert often states that he is color-blind, meaning he cannot see race. He states that he is told that he is white. Yet this race-blindness is indicative of a more serious dilemma with Mr. Colbert's vision: his myopic inability to see the ramifications of his words and actions. Recently named by Time as one of the 100 most influential people, Mr. Colbert has used his sway in petty matters. Recent use of his undue influence includes rallying his fervent followers for an attack on Wikipedia (denigrating the free flow of information) and the inundation of a Hungarian website in order become eponymous with a regional bridge (name proliferation and aggravation of foreign relations). Rather than be a positive role model for his followers, Mr. Colbert distracts them.

One realm over which Mr. Colbert could choose to exert his influence is the environment. Encouraging his followers to recycle could reap great rewards for the biosphere. Instead, he assaults nature, as exemplified in his unfounded disdain for bears, which does much to undo the great progress that has been made in rebuilding this misunderstood animal's reputation. Strides have been made in showing that rather than a terrifying monster, the bear (grizzly, polar, black, brown, Kodiak, etc.) is a majestic mammal with an intense intelligence and complex social behavior. Mr. Colbert seems bent on undoing decades of image improvement in one fell swoop for the purpose of a running gag.

In addition to innocent wildlife, Mr Colbert has also taken it upon himself to attack American heroes of the past like Helen Keller and taunt bastions of the contemporary landscape like Connecticut Junior Senator Joe Lieberman. He also goads individuals into coming onto his show, like editor-in-chief of the U.S. News and World Report Mort Zuckerman and then he taunts them in front of his followers. Such slander puts the very heart of the United States in peril. By attacking our foundation and values he seeks to topple the entire organization.

Mr. Colbert also manages to desensitize us by making light of serious issues affecting the world today. Subjects such as terrorism, gay marriage, the war in Iraq and global warming should not be discussed foolishly. Low-quality animations litter the screen when pieces dealing with these issues air. These frequently depict cartoonish versions of Jesus, political leaders or tired stereotypes doing battle or other outlandish activities. A heavy hand is crucial when discussing and debating such topics, and Mr. Colbert frivolously manages to offer a blatant disregard for all reverence.

So, I implore those at Comedy Central, already host to a myriad of irresponsible, inappropriate and inflammatory programming such as Chappelle's Show, South Park and Mind of Mencia, to close Mr. Colbert's report for good. Let this mark the beginning of a referendum to reject truthiness and the Colbert way.

Sincerely,

A Concerned American